When A Toxic Relationship Takes A Turn For The Worse

Part 1

  Jon left earlier this morning and came home from an interview at 3pm that he apparently rocked today, (just like the last 3, with no call back) with good news this time, he starts tomorrow.  

  I was in a good mood as the day went on compared to how I felt this morning when I called into work. Key word: was in a good mood. He killed my spirit for the.. thousandth time now? I don’t know, too many to count.  

 At first I was so excited to see my only source of any form of joy, then I wished he would walk right back out the door again.  

  Thrilled to hear about his morning, help distract my mind further. To keep this good mood up. But nope.  

  “Why’re you home so early V? I thought you were supposed to work noon till late tonight?” He asks. 

  “I didn’t go in today, I really wasn’t feeling it, mentally mostly I guess. I’ve been exhausted lately.” 

 “You’re always exhausted, it’s not like you to call off work though. Why are you wearing that shirt then? That’s not one of your stay at home shirts. And I know you wouldn’t just call in without caring too much about screwing other people over on their days off, blah, blah, blah. So, how’d that work V?” 

  “You act like it’s sooo weird for me to have a heart about people having to pick up my slack while they may have plans on their days off or want to relax. I know how I feel when I get called in on a day off so I sympathize. It’s norm–” He interrupts me. 

  “Yeah it is weird, you shouldn’t care so much about people you hardly know, especially with them all being guys. Unless you know them more than you say you do.” 

 “Oh my God Jon, can I finish? I’m wearing this shirt cause most of my shits dirty, I’m catching up on laundry right now.” 

 “Where? I don’t see any laundry. Are you sure you didn’t expect me home later and you made plans? It’s okay V, you can tell me I won’t get mad. I just want the truth.” He says with his most gentle, I’m the nice guy kind of tone.  

 At this point my brain is working in overdrive trying to control my emotions so I don’t snap. I’m not going to allow myself to get mad over such a minor thing, although my mind does not think it’s a minor thing. 

 Why are things that could be so simple, made so hard? I was emotionally exhausted, needed a break so I stayed home from work, period.  

  “Jon, you keep asking me more and more questions before I even finish answering the others–” he interrupted again. 

  “Oh you don’t want me asking questions again huh? I wonder why hm, you must be hiding something.” He says it as if he’s caught me, like he knows. You know nothing buddy.  

  “Jon, stop! Listen for two seconds!” 

  Now I sound crazy and defensive, as if I have to explain myself because I’m in the wrong or something. Which is something I should not have to do, so it makes me more angry.  

  The fact that I’m sitting there trying to prove my innocence to someone who is probably part of the reason I have to take time off work, is ridiculous, I have nothing to prove to him.  

  “It’s simple babe, I really wasn’t feeling work today, not in any social or thinking kind of mood, just sort of out of it today. So I texted around and got my shift covered. Of course I felt bad but I never call in and people respect me for my hard work so I’m sure they had no problem covering. As I wouldnt for a hardworker. As I always do when people call me to cover. 

  And the laundry is in the dryer, a load in the wash and a load I was in the middle of folding as you walked in, in the laundry room if you’d like to go check.” Finally I got a whole statement in. 

  Of course he had to nit pick at something I did.  

  “Why’re you saying it like that? People who love each other dont degrade their partners like that. And okaaay.. so, you went and texted a bunch of guys to cover your shift? I thought you weren’t close with them so why do you have their numbers? And of course any guy is going to jump at the opportunity to cover your shift just to be in your good books, in hope of something more. You’re so naive and still dont understand how guys work, my God.”  

  I’m raging inside at this point but I manage to keep it together. Mostly because it seems as if is goal is to get me to unravel. Unless he really is ignorant enough to actually believe these things. Still.  

  “You’re right Jon, it’s not at all because I am a hard worker and people respect that. I give up Jon, I wanted a day off for peace and relaxation and I’m not getting that here, I should’ve just went to work.” I remember heading back to the laundry room at that point because I felt the anger rising within me and I wanted to get away before it broke the surface. 

  He talked as I walked away. “You would rather be at work with a bunch of guys than hang out here with your boyfriend, Haha that’s funny. You’re pathetic sometimes. Plus I didn’t say you weren’t a hard worker, stop with the pity party misses cocky.”  

  Refrain myself, refrain myself, refrain myself. Nope, I can’t.  

  “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME JON? WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU’RE A FUCKING PSYCHOPATH! I hope you at least know that in your heart, even if you’re too coward to say it aloud. Or if you’re goal is to drive me insane, I know you’ll never admit it, but I hope you at least know that I’ve caught on to your fucking PSYCHO act!”  

  He stays calm, smirks almost and says “I’m psycho? Hunny look at you! I did nothing but ask a couple questions and once again you get on the defense. No wonder it’s hard for me to trust you. There’s no reason for you to act like this over a few simple questions, its ridiculous. I deal with this everyday. You’re either hiding something, or you just need to grow up.” Mr. Right speaks. 

  “I NEED TO GROW UP?! YOU ARE A FUCKING JOKE BUD, HAHAHAHAHAH A JOKE!” 

  He points at me with a sympathetic look in his eyes and says. “See, who acts like that V? That’s not how a normal person reacts.” 

  I slammed the laundry room door in his face before I broke his fucking neck. I needed to get away. I felt the heat rising within me. The darkness was taking over. I didnt want to lose myself, I wanted to be in control.  

  He kept trying to push it open as I repeatedly told him I needed a few minutes to be alone and calm myself down. I felt the steam whistle about to pop, I needed to be alone. He continually tried to push the door open as I fought him to keep it closed. Man, I wish there was a lock on this door.  

  He says something like “C’mon V, you always run away when we’re talking about anything important. It’s no wonder I’m suspicious of you. You get mad about simple questions, yell at me, then storm off before I get real answers.”  

 I let go of the door and let him come flying through. He stumbled but caught himself on the washing machine. He was leaning on it. I already had the iron in my right hand and immediately smashed him over the head with it. Once, twice, three times. He screamed after the first, but after the second blow he went silent and fell to the ground. I hit him again I assume, and I dont know how many times after.  

 It was a rage black out, I snapped. I told him I needed to be alone. I told him… I tried. I tried to save him.. I did. But now it’s too late. I can hardly breathe.  

  I think I passed out after it happened and I’m not sure how long but I woke up in a daze thinking it was all a dream. Now, I’m sitting next to him covered in his blood, writing about how I murdered the love of my life. My notebook is soaked in blood. The laundry room has sprays of blood all over the walls and the clothes, there are blotches of blood everywhere and puddles of it seeping slowly into the drains on the cold cement floor where my lover lays. My poor Jon.  

 I told him I needed to be alone.. I told him.. and now it’s too late.. My Jon.. 

 I’m sorry.. 

 I can hardly breathe.. it’s getting worse. I’ve threw up four times now and the gagging doesn’t stop. This isnt real, it’s all a dream.. it has to be, I know it. I’m going to wait a little bit before I call anyone because I’m sure that I am going to wake up any minute.  

This is just another one of my nightmares trying to tell me something. It’s probably a bad idea to stay off work tomorrow, just in case this nightmare is some sort of sign. If I can prevent hurting Jon I will, so I will go to work when I wake up and avoid any sort of argument. Although I know it wouldn’t go this way either way.. I mean, I’m not crazy and even if it did go this way, Jon would be able to protect himself. He’s a lot bigger than I am.  

 I can’t wait to wake up. The blood feels so real.. it’s getting colder. I’ve never had a dream so realistic.. so vivid. I’ve never been able to smell, or feel temperature in my dreams. The smell of his blood is like old rusted metal, and its almost like warm syrup on my fingers. Its so red. I felt Jon’s skin and its getting colder. How long have I been sitting here?  

 I need to wake up.. 

 The dream doesn’t seem to be ready to end. Its sending signals to my brain, telling me the best idea right now is to call 911. So, I get up and do so. All apart of the dream. Once they get here it will probably be over. I call and sit beside Jon to wait.  

  They’re here.. I’m still not awake. I must go for now… they’re asking me questions. Man, I just want to wake up already..