Is The Cycle Of Abuse A Real Thing?

I want to start this off by saying that the article below was written when I was twenty, I am now twenty five years old and can say that a significant amount of changes have been made in the last five years. I am now in a healthy relationship with an amazing man, and I have a beautiful step-daughter, a decent job, (not exactly where I expected myself to work but I’m getting there slowly but surely) and have a healthy support system. I can’t say that I don’t regret some of the decisions I’ve made in the past, the way I treated people, as well as the help I neglected to get sooner, but I have learnt to accept that I can’t change what has already happened, I can only do my best to move forward.

Maybe everything happens for some sort of rhyme or reason? Maybe myself as well as everyone I affected along the way learned some sort of lesson that benefited them in the long run? I’m not sure if everything has a positive outcome in the end but I at least hope that people I have hurt along the way, realise it was never my intention to do so, no excuses. The world has been hitting me like a ton of bricks at every angle every since I was a kid and when I grew up, seen more, experienced more, the weight got too heavy and I exploded. Met the wrong people, who I treated right, then the right people who I treated wrong.

I’d like to say now that I will never go back into that dark head space I was in because I truly do believe in the power of mind and how strong our will power really is when we decide to put in the full effort. With practice we can train our minds to go to positive instead of negative thoughts until positive thoughts are the ones that frequently pop up opposed to the negative, as they may have in the past.

Five years ago when I wrote this journal entry I was giving myself the advice I knew I should be following but didn’t know how at the time. I knew how I should be acting, the things I should have been saying but I reacted too often without giving myself a minute to come to my senses and be rational. Which only led to me sulking in my own self pity and hatred towards myself which made things worse.

I thought I was a know it all, even as if I was preaching to others on how to act in a new relationship after a toxic one, as if I was some sort of expert. Although I couldn’t follow my own advice for the life of me.

Through mindfulness courses, a lot of self research and practice, I have been able to make significant changes in my own life and if I could help even one person do the same, I feel like I accomplished something. I have different posts about mindfulness and metaphysics and how the great genius’ of the past have used their minds to their advantage to create the inventions we use today.

There is so much more going on inside of us than we can even imagine. Knowing we have the ability to control this great power within us is something that made me excited about life again. I truly could think and feel exactly how I want therefore lead a life exactly the way I want it, if only I learn to fully be in control of the power within me? I think that’s amazing. If you want to read more about mindfulness and the power within our mind’s, scroll through my post archives, you may find something you’re interested in. For now, lets look back five years:

September 13, 2016

I don’t deserve his love. He is so pure and so untainted by people in this world, but I am slowly taking away that privilege he has been granted. He had girlfriends cheat, stray and lie, the usually hoe tendencies these days that seem to be rewarded, but never has he had to deal with the toxicity that I have brought upon him. 

The mental warfare he has to endure everyday on behalf of my insecurities, fear, and short-comings is unfair to say the least. I blame everything on him. All he wants is some security, some reassurance and I make him feel as if he’s stupid or incompetent for not knowing that I got him no matter what, that I would never stray, that I’m here for good. I get mad at him when he doesn’t feel the security, the love, the care I so badly want to give him.  

I have it in my head that people should just be able to read me: that they should understand that I went through some shit which is the only reason my attitude, and aggression is persistent in my everyday life. I expect people who get ‘close’ to simply know that I am a good person, my good heart is just hindered by the anger in it right now, my mind clouded with feelings of discontentment and unworthiness. To just know that I only drink and smoke to numb the pain, to escape the feeling of unworthiness, of feeling so small. To know the only reason I like to sleep a lot during the day is because it is when I am able to, because a lot of the time I am not able to at night because sleep requires a lot of peace and I don’t have a lot of peace in my mind. I take advantage of sleep whenever I can. Sleeping is hard, keeping my mind in one spot for long enough to slow it down, even harder.

I expect people to just understand that my lack of activity is due to poor self esteem and low motivation due to the feeling of hollowness, of despair and hopelessness that I feel around every corner, through every layer of life.

I expect people who get it to just see through me and understand that I do no put myself in harms way intentionally nor do I even hold a coherent thought in my head about the impending situation, I simply do not care what happens, or expect the bad anyway so, I put myself in harms way to quicken the inevitable. My increased exposure to injuries and self-harm is not because I am intentionally sitting there wanting to hurt myself or because I am looking for attention, but simply because I know no other way, to me it feels normal, to me it is my sense of release when I know no where else to go. 

I wish people understood that there is nowhere else to go, that smashing my head off a door or putting my fist through a wall seems to be the only form of release I have. Release from my head, from the never-ending, insipid thoughts that spiral around in there. I know nowhere else to go. 

The hopeless feeling is there, it remains and I fail at ridding of it so, alcohol, drugs, and self-harm and aggression which I use as a form of self-expression, is all I got these days, I don’t know where else to go. 

I don’t know how else to rid of the small- little girl feeling I feel stuck inside my mind.. 

I can’t go on like this though.. because although I just expect people to see through.. to get it, get me, they really don’t. And at times I think they’re joking, that it is impossible for them not to understand why I am the way I am, so I get mad and I belittle everyone who I feel isn’t on my plane of thinking, or level-headedness.  

Which only makes everything worse. 

Plus there is no level-headedness in someone who knows why they are the way they are but does not have the ability or strength to break out of it. There is no rationality there, only delusions. I just expect everyone else to do the work for me.. to understand, and to put everything into place for me.  

I expect the world to fall into place simply because it has been in pieces for so long. I expect good things to just happen because I am good and deserve them to. 

So far fetched. So pathetic. So hopeless. Because even I know, there is no where I could possibly go from here, if I keep expecting the world and the people in it to do the work for me. 

I am going to miss out on everything good.. I am going to push away anything worthwhile if I keep allowing myself to get sucked deeper into this rabbit hole. 

I cannot allow bad people to have the satisfaction of taking over the big-hearted, happy go lucky, goofy girl I once was. They don’t get that right. This is my life and I will take it back. For me, for my family, but mostly right now for ******. For the man who so badly deserves a good love in his life.  

I want to see the potential we have together. Instead of being a part of the cycle. Just being another parasite that spreads the toxicity from one relationship to another, creating a chain of messed up people. People who could have had the potential for so much more life. I do not want to be a person who hinders other peoples shine. I want to be a part of nurturing the good in life not taking it away. 

The people who realize the damage they are causing to another human but still continue to stick around and cause it for their own selfish reasons: loneliness, unworthiness, a wanting of love/comfort, are the most selfish kinds of people. I am one of them. 

But I can honestly say that a lot of us do not try to be selfish.. the monster that is unleashed is the result of other monsters here on earth and we expect the ones with the good hearts to understand, to hold sympathy, to see through the monster. But we shouldn’t. It’s selfish. Because just like we were at one point just a naïve, innocent, open vessel who fell in love, expecting nothing but love, support and encouragement from our partners but instead got anger, abuse, and hostility: our new partners now are too innocent, naïve, open vessels expecting nothing but love and support from their lover, which is you.  

Don’t do what the monster in the past did to you, you shouldn’t make another monster out of a good person, in spite of how much you also did not deserve for it to happen to you. If your abuser had the mindset that he should stop what he was doing and instead try harder to be a good impact, then you wouldn’t be the way you are. Therefore you shouldn’t make the person they are now into something they don’t have to be. 

See the pureness, the innocence and don’t subconsciously use it to your advantage like the monster in the past did. Don’t use their vulnerability and their love for you as a way to get what you want. Don’t threaten security or love simply to get what you want out of the relationship or to be able to act in whatever manner pleases you. It’s not right.  

You shouldn’t be manipulative, vindictive or belittling.  

No matter how hard it is. 

Because believe me I know its hard. Feels almost close to impossible. You see the pain on the person you love’s face yet you still do it. You see the loss of confidence, of self, of joy when you’re screaming in their face. You see the utter fear and sadness in their eyes when you become violent with yourself and the things around you. When nothing can calm you down and you seem to be falling apart.  

You see the desperation, the wanting to making it right in their eyes. They come running every time, to your rescue, to apologize to tend to, to mend. They question themselves and what it is they’re doing wrong to make you so upset.

You shouldn’t let them. People don’t deserve that. Especially the ones who keep sticking around after persistent abusive behaviour. Those kinds of people don’t deserve to go to bed at night wondering why they don’t have it in them, why they aren’t enough to make the person they love so badly, happy. To question what they are doing wrong. To think they are not deserving enough of our love because they can not keep us happy.  

Remember, you used to be that person laying alone making lists in your mind every night of things you could do to try to be better for the person you seemed to be upsetting so much. You laid awake all hours with your stomach in knots and your mind on fire, wondering why you weren’t enough, or undeserving of good things. Don’t let the person you so badly love feel the way you used to feel. Remember that pain? That heartache of never measuring up? 

Let your partner know they measure up, that they are doing everything they could.  

And if you’re not ready to be good to someone because of bad things that have happened to you, that’s okay, just don’t get involved with someone at that point in your life, instead seek the help you need. Do not be selfish out of fear of loneliness, or for a sense of power, or purpose. Don’t use another good person just to run away from your own thought up inadequacies and failures, don’t involve yourself with someone just so you have someone other then yourself to blame.  

Being abused is a shitty feeling, you are constantly questioning yourself, but I swear an even worse feeling is seeing these negative qualities stay with you and seeing how you let them affect the people in your life moving forward. Abusing someone you love is almost worse then the abuse. Especially when you want to stop so badly but don’t know how. 

I am so selfish. ****** is amazing, but I don’t deserve him. I don’t stop. He deserves the whole world but I don’t even know how to get off the self-pity, defensive, pointing fingers, low-self esteem, false sense of confidence, high-horse all the time, let alone give him the world. I couldn’t even give him a fucking sliver of it, I’m so lost. 

The right thing to do would be to let him go before I damage him more.  

But he is literally the best thing that has ever came into my life. We haven’t even known each other that long but I feel as if I have known him longer than anyone.  

He has been staying with me at the trailer, just him and I, my summer job on the beach just finished and we are living off the money I have saved. We have no internet, no wifi. All we have is each other. All we do is talk, and connect. But with me, when it comes it communicating: it eventually turns into a disagreement or a sudden shift in my mood. Sometimes I may take it out on him, or at times I will walk away from the situation to allow my unwelcomed, unwarranted anger to dissipate instead of dwelling on it. But he won’t understand why all of a sudden our perfectly normal conversation turned into me wanting to be alone. He again will question what it is he did wrong.  

I can’t let him go though..  

I am so reliant on him. I love him more than I have ever loved anything in life. When I am close to him or even just staring into his eyes I get this weird light hearted, fluttery feeling in my heart, and my stomach goes in knots, just this overwhelming feeling of closeness, wholeness, and I guess joy. More often then not I can’t help but cry. Not bad tears and not necessarily happy tears just tears of the feeling of the unknown. 

Everything is unknown. We don’t know our ultimate purpose here, or which way to live our lives is in fact, right or wrong, but we do know that we all get this feeling, this wholesome, full feeling of entirety and sereneness when we’re in the presence of someone we have built a deep emotional connection with. This feeling is inevitable.  

Its all unknown but this feeling somewhat takes away the questions of the unknown and love feels like our only purpose, our ultimate gift in life. The one thing that could bring us full, eternal joy. Everything else could be in shambles, the world falling down all around us. But that feeling, that love, makes everything better, makes it all feel worthwhile. It feels like the only way, the only purpose. 

Its such an amazing feeling but its terrifying in itself. What if its gone one day? 

I have never felt this with anyone else before.. what if I never will. To be truthful I don’t want to feel it with anyone else. I want to feel the way I feel with ****** for the rest of my life. But it scares me because what if I don’t? What if I actually push him away? Where the hell will I go from there?  

It’s just so messed up how the abused starts to abuse and because of that they push away all the good things they could have had if they hadn’t been a victim of abuse in the first place. The abused live their lives in misery because they can’t break out of the low self-esteem, hopelessness, negative feedback that runs through their minds on the daily.  

Why do people who never had it good deserve to be stuck in this cycle now for the rest of their lives, unless they’re strong enough to break out of it?  

It just makes no sense to me, another example of how this world is backwards, corrupt, a test, a game. We all being mentally tortured in different ways and then shown that if it isn’t for ourselves breaking out of it, we are destined to live miserable, negative lives.  

But…I guess it’s all about survival of the strongest mind. Be strong or get walked on, get the short end of the stick your whole life. Use aggression, bullying and anger to get you places in life, you probably won’t get very far. Use enthusiasm, hope for something better, confidence, poise and a will to be better, to get you through the daily activities of life and chances are your life will be filled with more positivity than those who lack these qualities.  

I am destroying ******.. I can’t do what I am doing anymore. The sad part is and the part that angers me so much is I know how I should be acting, in what manner I should respond to certain situations and I know the steps taken to create the toxic, negative screaming fits I cause, yet I still continue to do what I do. 

Then the self- harm and substance abuse becomes easier because all I want to do is run away from the person I have become. And running away instead of facing my issues is the worst thing I could do. Plus you can’t fully run away from yourself so it only makes things worse in the end.

Every time I cause a screaming fit at the trailer or in public, where it at times gets to the point of me hitting myself or thrashing around on the ground like a dying fish, I hate myself a little more. 

I allow myself to get down and I wallow in my self-pity, feeling sorry for myself, making excuses for why I do what I do. Which doesn’t solve anything. Nothing I do solves anything. I keep begging him to forgive me for the names and the aggression, telling him I won’t always be like this, that I will be fine once I find more of a purpose in life and start living and accomplishing all the things I’ve wanted to accomplish by this age. I told him the cause of my aggression and negativity is due simply to the fact that I am not living up to my own expectations. But I see now it can’t just be that.. 

I have someone so amazing and I have my whole life ahead of me, I just turned twenty and I can do so much from here. Especially now with the motivation and support of ******. Together we can move mountains and accomplish so much. But there is something holding me back. I now see that it isn’t just a fear of the unknown, it is because the mentality that I have taken on over the years. The mentality of not measuring up, not being good enough. I have to break out of this mentality, I have to accept myself for who I am and love me for it. I have to let go of the misconstrued feelings of inadequacy, of being a nothing. And I can not rely on ****** to show me these things.  

I can already tell that he thinks I am amazing when I am being my old self.. but because when I look in the mirror I don’t see that amazingness that he sees, I get mad at him for pointing it out, for acting as it was a thing. It’s hard for me to believe anyone could whole heartedly believe something good about me so I brush it off, make excuses for why they’re wrong for seeing me that way. But then when we are arguing and he points out my faults I start talking about how I’m such a good person and everyone in my life has always said so, blah, blah, blah. Who does that? It’s embarrassing. You shouldn’t have to say you are a good person..  

I need to stop this shit. I know I should, and I know how I should be acting in response to situations but I don’t know how to stop acting on impulse. I don’t know how to stop the negative, unrelenting feelings that are bouncing off the walls of my mind.  

It feels utterly impossible. Like the longest journey I will ever take in my life. 

But I can not lose him.. I need him.. I don’t deserve him in the least but I need him so badly.. this is it for me. If its not him, its no one. If he leaves now there really is no purpose in this life, that will be certainty for me then. Him leaving will be my proof in this life having no definite meaning, or a worthwhile moment left here for me.. it will be it. If I do not get to break out of this negative bubble, if I cant break through the emotional cage I put myself in and learn to love him the way he deserves, if he never gets to see my love but leaves thinking I was an angry, vindictive, bitch, if he leaves never knowing how my heart really feels about him, I’m not sure where else to go from there..

If you are interested in reading about a variety of different subjects such as mental health, inside the minds of disturbed artists, the importance of being an introvert, importance of body language and non-verbal communication, the importance of mental rehearsal and imagery, the power of our minds, mindfulness, metaphysics and the cosmic world and how all the great genius’ of the past have tapped into this power to achieve seeming miracles, addiction, abuse, the effects loneliness and so much more, please check out some of my other posts: