Anxiety Demon, How Do I Rid Of Him?
Written from the perspective of someone battling with anxiety and depression:
Are they laughing at me? Was that supposed to be funny? I better not say the wrong thing.
Was THAT supposed to be funny?
Was I supposed to laugh?
Are they looking at ME?
Can I leave yet?
Thoughts become your worries, worries become your thoughts. Ruminating on your negative thoughts is never helpful. They say the psychological response to events happening is even more paramount than the event itself.
Horrible flashing images, constant reminders nagging on your brain, the most negative form of “what if” imaginable. Outing yourself to fit in.
Questioned non-stop. Or do you question yourself?
Walking through a room with broken glass.
Or in a lower level room that starts to fill up with water until it’s up to your chest, suffocating you. No magical button or lever to make it all stop.
And the worst part is, no one sees it stalking you.
Never knowing when it will come. He creeps up like an unwanted dinner guest. And you never have enough food for him, he always wants more. He eats ferociously, draining you and leaves with no thank you or sorry for sucking up everything in you.
Avoid situations because you don’t have energy to explain why you become unraveled whenever you’re in the presence of people.
Scary thing is, is that anxiety is something the brain makes up and your body starts to believe it. Because why would a part of your body lie to another part? Why would you lie to yourself?
Anxiety gives you anxiety. Self destructive cycle. If I could calm down I would.
Scratch myself raw and beat myself purple trying to force the feeling out of my skin or beat it out of my mind.
All the words of encouragement, of hope, the hugs, the safe rooms, the dark closets, the songs, the books and poems that seem to calm me, all the therapists in the world, could not get rid of this lingering feeling I harbour.
It’s dug itself deep into my core. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to grab the knife and dig it back out.
I fear all, and fear all of my fears. I try to fill my mind with distractions. Substances. Nothing helps.
Retracing every step, constantly checking and rechecking. Doubting.
Hands shaking so other’s can see how unbalanced I am. Shoulders stiff, body tense, looking out of place. Nothing feels right.
I notice everything. Changes in tone, attitude, posture, mannerisms, and moods. It’s exhausting. Overwhelming.
I’ve learnt that the door I’ve felt locked behind my whole life was to keep me in, not to keep others out. For my benefit but mostly for theirs.
Stuck somewhere between what if, what might, what should, what could have, and what never will. But all I want to know is, what actually IS.
I have become a master at breaking my own heart. Holding onto such grand expectations, I demand perfection in all aspects of my life. So much to live up to, so many self imposed ends to meet. When I continually fail to add up to my expectations I find myself falling deeper into my little rabbit hole I’ve dug for myself.
All I’m doing is setting myself up for disappointment. No where close to free. I trapped myself long ago in a cage that kept me inhibited by my worst fears: feeling inadequate, losing sense of self, and feeling entirely alone.
This cage lead to feelings of overwhelming tension, isolation, self-hatred and apprehension about being able to control my emotions.
Which seemed to result in a frightening sense of unreality and emptiness that created an emotional numbness within me. Depersonalization. Maybe that’s why my evil side is brought forth more these days.
I’m slowly self-destructing. Something increasingly toxic is taking over the me I once knew. It’s taking over my life. I try so hard to keep it under strict control, but to no avail.
The voice that tells me everything is going to be okay no longer sounds friendly. I see through him. He has my destruction as his goal, not my happiness.
Caged in a life of attachment, desolation, the destruction of myself.
So caught up in my “intelligence,” thinking my way is the only way, not realizing that it’s slowly killing me.
Other species use their given intelligence to survive, but us humans use it to destroy ourselves.
Do I want this or something?
Can I crave the feelings I withhold while destroying myself but also long to live a successful life and make my mark in this world?
The tug of destruction seems to pull me much harder.
Is it possibly a crucial part of us, necessary in order to transform ourselves? To be the people we long to be?
Others seem to be tugged the other way a little harder. Clearly special beings.
How could an ordinary girl like me, no will power, no talent, ignorant to the ways of the world possibly soften the fear, doubt and self-hatred that stalks me down every corner?
How do I eliminate the ruminated feelings, shut in-mind the dangerous and crippling thoughts that turned me into a careless beast?
Should I simply accept my future as a winding road that never ends, trapped inside that door by my timidness and unjust expectations?
Or is it possible to awaken myself from this zombie like state of spiritual numbness?
I’m too afraid to fall again. Rock bottom almost seems like a good spot to lay my head. This low is feeling a lot safer than embarking into the unknown. I could fall again and it could be worse this time.
But I know that anger and sadness are acids that destroy its own container. I don’t want to destroy myself anymore. I will do my best to no longer deface or destroy myself for a means of feeling something.
But I can’t lie, I really never had seen battles quite as tragically beautiful as the ones I fight when my mind flees and misfires, enveloping me into my own decaying madness, once again.
But I am sick of seeing beauty in my sadness and searching for tragedy in my joy. For once I want to know that what is, IS. With no confusion and no pain in the process.
I want to open this heavy door I’ve been locked behind my whole life and let people in, but most of all get out there and feel what it’s like to really live.
Why live life in fear?
Most people would say “I feel how I feel, I don’t have a choice.” Which I get, because sometimes it feels like we are so deep in that there is no way out even if we knew how to do so. The key is trying to change your negative thinking before you let it take over your life.
I know that anxiety or depression could be caused from a number of underlining reasons like family history of mental health, drugs or alcohol withdrawal, high amounts of stress, or a chemical imbalance in the brain, but this doesn’t mean it is set in stone for the rest of your life, that this is who you are going to be.
In learning more about how the mind works in the last little bit, I truly believe that sometimes we as humans set ourselves up for failure. It seems like the words depression, anxiety, bi-polar, or crazy are just thrown around like nothing these days. People have always had down days where they doubted everything, people have always had stress in high stress situations but now because it’s spread widely that depression and anxiety is the new norm, everyone seems to suffer from it. I completely understand depression and anxiety, I know they are real things, because trust me I have suffered from them in high school, when my parents brought me to a psychiatrist and I was put on this pill and that one until they found the one that fit. “Fit” was making sure i was as numb as possible I guess. I do get it. But as someone who went through it, I also get how there is a difference with identifying yourself with these illnesses, accepting that to be who you are, opposed to trying to convince yourself that isn’t who you have to be.
As sad as it is, I almost believe that some people use anxiety and depression as an excuse. They feel anxious sometimes, or have some days where they have no motivation for anything(which everybody feels sometimes), so they label themselves as depressed or someone with severe anxiety. Maybe so that people are more understanding as to why they are so unmotivated or anxious to go places they don’t want to go? “My anxiety is too bad today, I don’t think I will make it” or “im too depressed to start today, i’ll do it tomorrow.”
In doing this it is only making it harder not to believe that of themself, therefore their body and nervous system is reacting to what their mind is telling them, because our nervous system doesn’t know the difference between a real or made up experience. People unintentionally work themselves up or focus on negative thoughts, attaching more thoughts, attending to them instead of changing them, making it harder to break out of the cycle they feel stuck in.
Like I said trust me I get it, it is one hundred percent easier said than done. Tell yourself that something is impossible though and it will seem so much further away. Instead try to take small steps into changing your habits. If it gets too much, there are many medications out there to help balance the chemicals in your brain and it doesn’t make you crazy because you need pills, it makes you strong for accepting the help you need. I mean, a lot of people dont do anything to help themselves.. anxiety is the most common illness in the U.S with over 40 million adults effected by it and although it is highly treatable, only 36.9% of these adults seek treatment. But before diagnosing yourself with an illness and therefore identifying with it, first try some of these simple steps:
Try to slow it all down
You know those times when you have that meeting or interview coming up or speech you have to attend and you sit there thinking of all the things that could go wrong? Especially when you know about it days or weeks in advance so all you do is work yourself up about it? Do the opposite.
- Imagine yourself as the confident, poised person you want to be. When you are alone at home practice being this person. Pretend you are so in control of your emotions and know exactly how to conduct yourself in a respected manner.
- Practice walking into your empty living room with your stride in line, shoulders back, chin up, and a smirk on your face because you are confident you are going into this as the best version of yourself.
- When you start feeling all worked up and start to overwhelm yourself with all the what if’s, try your best to laugh at yourself, tell yourself you are silly for thinking this way. Remind yourself that we are all human. No better nor worse than the next, there’s no need to work ourselves up over the approval of another. The worst that can happen is we get rejected, (an essential part of life in order to help us grow) and we try again next time.
- Make a list of positive affirmations and repeat them on the daily to yourself, in your head or out loud. For example: “I am no different than any other human out there sharing their ideas and opinions, I am just as worthy as them.” “I believe my opinions and words have value.” “If I stumble on my words or am a little awkward that’s okay, I’m only human. I won’t let it get the best of me.” “I won’t let my nerves take over, I will be in complete control of my emotions.”
- Sometimes you must go outside of your comfort zone. Instead of avoiding a situation because you think you may have a bad time due to nerves, ignore that initial thought and create a new one: “I have a lot to bring to the table, I am exciting, I will have a good time and if not, I will be home in no time, no harm done.” Don’t psyche yourself out before giving yourself a chance. Remember, if your mind believes you are confident and have nothing to lose, your actions will follow.
- Stay consistent. Don’t give up just because you aren’t seeing results. Good things take time. The more you practice being the person you want to be the easier it will become over time. Be an actress in your life, play the role of the person you want to be until you eventually become that person.
Life has so much to offer
There are so many opportunities out there, one fit for each individual and I hate knowing that there are so many people out there hiding from the world. People that believe they can’t so they simply don’t try. Its all in our mind’s people. Learn more about how yours works so you are more adept to be in complete control of your emotions, therefore completely in control of your life.
Abhishek(zac390Trempson)
Good
boumehdi mohamed
Bonjour comme vous allez et je suis très intéressé à cette page du anxiety demon