Get Out Of That Toxic Relationship Before It’s Too Late

This journal entry below is one of the most personal things I have ever shared with anyone. It took me years to even tell my family about the “love” I thought I deserved back in high school, while in a very toxic, abusive relationship, let alone share it with the world. As I get older I realise that everything I go through is a learning experience which helps me get a little closer to the person I wish to be. If I didn’t go through what I went through, maybe I wouldn’t be the me I am today. Someone I am proud of. Maybe everything happens for some sort of rhyme or reason, maybe its all just random and coincidental, either way our experiences shape us and I guess I could say now that I wouldn’t trade my experiences for the world…

But I do believe that anyone who finds themselves in a position such as mine, should get out of that toxic relationship before it’s too late.

March 24, 2016

It is 6:55pm on Monday and I am finally back in a somewhat normal state of mind. I tried something really stupid. Three or four days ago now (everything is still kind of a blur.) I researched how to get high from medicine you would find in a medicine cabinet. Since I had nothing plus I have issues, I don’t know how to stop. 

Turns out there are so many pills that can give you a buzz if you take enough. I decided the safest way for me to catch a buzz was the nausea pills we happened to have in the cupboard. The active ingredient in the pills was Dramamine, and apparently if you have enough of that in your system you can feel a nice buzz and possibly even hallucinate. Little did I know the hallucinations weren’t anything close to good ones but instead losing my mind, don’t know where I am kind of ones. I wish I read more before I took them to be honest. Knowing myself I would probably take them anyway therefore I usually avoid doing more research so I don’t feel even more stupid after the fact.  

I did read a drug forum where people talk about their experiences being high and the high was mostly described as a kind of peaceful but out of your mind high. You may see things that aren’t there or hear people that aren’t there, also may cause amnesia. Me being the sometimes naïve person I am assumed these affects would be mixed with a feel good, out of this world, content ass feeling, I expected it to be enjoyable. Not outright terrifying and mind altering in an unpleasant way opposed to what the usual stimulants would do for you. But I guess my stupid ass self had to try it once at least to learn I’d never want to try it again.  

So I started off taking a few pills, maybe like four, I honestly don’t remember everything is a weird ass blur like it wasn’t even reality. Throughout the night I must have took more pills which I have no recollection of when or where or how many it was. I remember feeling like I was flying for a bit while I was still coherent enough to know what was going on. Then the next of the three days are mostly a blur. It’s terrifying knowing that a drug could make you forget the way I did..Scariest thing that has ever happened to me.  

The next day my mom found a bunch of her oxy’s that she had for a really bad back injury all in my sheets, at least 5 of them. They we’re the strongest oxy that could be prescribed, and usually is prescribed to cancer patients or people with unbearable pain. I don’t remember even looking for her oxy’s let alone taking any so I have no clue how many I took of those either and how those may of further affected my state. 

So, my parents were going to Wasaga and staying over night the day I decided to do it, Kelsey was at Matt’s or something so, it was just Darc and I at home. When I look back now though it feels like a bunch of people were there and like I had done so much yet Darcy told me we laid on the couch the whole night watching Orange is the new Black. She also told me we ordered pizza and apparently when the pizza guy came I answered the door and got confused as to why he was there and I called down to my dad asking him why he was there and that I needed money to pay him. Then a part I do remember is being upset that he wasn’t answering and I said “It’s so rude when they don’t answer, like its not that hard.” Then I remember Darcy having a worried look on her face and she looked at me and said “Kayley, they went to the trailer remember?” I don’t remember my response I just remember that terrified look on her face. Apparently I paid for the pizza and we sat back down to watch tv, after a bite of my pizza I dozed off. Maybe my dreams is what I concocted as reality when I woke up hence why i thought I did so much more than just laying on the couch the whole night.  

I slept for like 2 and a half hours, it was around 5am when I woke up but Darcy told me I thought it was 5pm and I started going on about how I don’t want to go to Boston Pizza to eat but instead would rather stay home and eat. In reality no one discussed Boston Pizza but in my head there was a few people discussing where it was we wanted to go out to eat and BP was the deciding place. But it was just Darcy and I? And we didn’t once discuss going out to eat? Fucking weird man.  

Then I once again started calling down to my parents and Darcy again told me they were at the trailer. Then from there I’m not sure exactly what happened, I remember staying up but I do not remember what I did for all the hours I was awake. I do remember at one point just laying down in my bed for a long time, listening to vivid conversations my family members were having with me. I would close my eyes and I would be somewhere and someone would be talking to me and it would be so real that I sometimes couldn’t help but answer the voices that seemed so real. But I was laying there trying to beat the drug kind of. Sort of knowing that I was out of it and that I was alone in my room and no one was actually talking to me. I was trying to ignore the voices and train my mind to know its all fake. But again, sometimes I couldn’t help but answer them.  

Darcy must have heard me because I remember her telling me afterwards that I kept talking to myself. At some point she must have called Kelsey and Matt because she was scared, she told them to come over which I have no memory of. Next thing I remember I was calling my parents crying hysterically, asking them why they would leave to Wasaga without saying bye. 

I remember my dad saying “Are you okay Kayley? We left yesterday.” 

Then I said “I was supposed to get coffee with mommy, I really just wanted to get out of the house but she left without me.” And I swear I specifically remember looking out the window and seeing the van pull away but in reality it wasn’t even there.  

Then my Dad said “Kayley, Mommy is here with me right now, we’re at the trailer.” He sounded so worried. I was so confused I thought they we’re playing a joke on me. Then he said “Don’t worry you’re okay we’ll be home soon.” I remember them coming home all worried but I was hardly in my mind.  

Don’t remember much of what else happened after that. Darcy told me how I was acting and I was so confused I didn’t remember anything just that it felt like I was dreaming while awake, nothing felt like reality. I’d look at the clock and it was lets say 1:30, then I would lay there for what felt like four minutes then look at the clock at it would be 4:00. I have never felt so out of it in my life. This state lasted for almost 3 days, my mind slowly started to come back around as the days went on but even now the fogginess is still there. As the days went on I came back to reality but was still high as hell and its funny that I remember I thought I was acting normal and that no one would notice how high I was, cause when I look back it was so obvious. I was so disoriented, my pupils were huge my mouth was as dry as sandpaper I could hardly speak without sipping water first. Even now my mouth is still so dry. 

So, this is where it gets into the dark stuff, the thing I regret doing. Yesterday I made the stupid decision to go get a coffee with (nameless person). I’m not sure if it was my drug induced mind that was lonely and wanted company or if I really was meeting him just to pick up more drugs. I don’t know why I made the decision to see him for any longer than I had to get my fix, to be honest. But I did.  

Long story short, we got coffee, we conversed until it turned into an argument as usual. We we’re fighting about us, something about him wanting another chance and doing better this time. I told him that there is no way he ever loved me after everything he did and that all he needed was time to see that as well. I honestly believed that as time went on he would see I clearly wasn’t the girl of his dreams as he claimed but instead just a girl he was hoping was the one.  

He didn’t take what I said to heart but instead got mad that I was telling him how he feels, that he knows he loves me despite what he’s done. He got into his rage state, hit his head a few times with his fist and then put his foot all the way down on the pedal and starting speeding and swerving going about 45 km/h on a 30 km/h street, while neighbours were out. I was still in my drug induced mind, I was terrified. I knew when he got like that there was no snapping him out of it just like that, it took some time and some space away from me and some quiet. He wasn’t going to just snap out of it in the middle of it like that, plus I have never seen him in his angry state behind the wheel of a car before so I was honestly scared for my life.  

I got even more scared when he starts screaming that he is going to drive us over a bridge. He had that enraged look in his eye that he usually does when he seems to black out and do things he doesn’t even remember doing. I was so scared I was begging and crying for him to stop but he kept going faster and I knew it was only going to get worse, if it wasn’t a bridge, he would do something stupid while in this state. So, I kept saying I was going to jump out. I knew jumping out and tumbling was better than wherever he was taking me driving like that. I was scared he would hit a pole going that fast or another car once we got onto a busy road. After saying I would jump out he still didn’t stop and his driving became more reckless so I put my hand on the door as if I was going to open it and then I actually did open it a tiny bit stupidly as hell, thinking it would snap him out of it and he would stop if he really seen I was scared enough to want to jump out of a moving vehicle. But nope, he didn’t stop but swerved in a certain way and my door went flying open and I went flying out because I didn’t have my seat belt on because I am an idiot.  

It all happened so quick: we we’re parked talking, then all of sudden speeding down the street at 45 km/h on a 30 km/h side street. So, I went flying out the passenger door, tumbled like six times, head hitting the cement every time. When I looked up the car was like a half a mile away. He got out of the car and I remember him yelling “KAYLEY!”  

My first thought was that his passenger door came off from the impact of the wind when it went flying open and that he was yelling my name because he was mad at me and thinking I was an idiot for opening the door. I thought he was still in his raged mood and was going to come over and be more mad than he was before. But he must have snapped out of his rage state. I think he stayed near his car while neighbours came out of their houses and asked what happened and if I was okay. They didn’t get too close. If I seen a girl tumble out of a moving car I would run right up to her and make sure she was okay but I think maybe they seen my pupils or just my tweaking ass demeanour and possibly assumed I was just some druggy who jumped out of a car.  

I remember mumbling “He said he was going to drive us over a bridge.” Then I used all the strength I had to get up and jog/limp my hurting self home.  

I remember not feeling as much pain as I probably would have had I not been on something. I remember having enough strength get up despite my ankle being sprained and the pain everywhere else in my body. I was also probably in a sort of shock still I don’t know, but I was able to get up and start walking myself home pretty well. I had only lived about 10 minute walking distance from the road we were on. He followed me in his car though while I was walking as he usually does when I leave his house angry.  

He said he feels so bad and wanted to give me a drive home, that he couldn’t live with himself if he didn’t. I didn’t want to hear anything from him. Despite how uncomfortable I was because my stiff body and the large coffee that spilled all over my in the fall, I did not trust him enough to get back in his car. Who’s to say the same thing wouldn’t happen again where he would try to “drive us over a bridge.” I wasn’t chancing him getting into that raged state again. Although my stupid ass naïve mind thought about getting in the car and making him feel bad for what he did, I mustered all the strength I had in my and I ran the rest of the way home and cut through a cat- walk so I could at least lose him for a few minutes while I made it most of the way home.  

I can’t believe I was stupid enough to still see him after our break up.. To still give him a chance to lie to me by telling me he will be different, that he wants to devote his life in making up his past mistakes to me, that he wants to spend his life showing me how much he loves me. If I was smart, and fully stable I would know my worth and I would have left him to sit in his guilt a year ago. 

For some reason I always feel like his happiness is in my hands, as if I am the only one who has the power to help him and make him truly happy one day. I feel like if he spirals downhill in life, or gives up on his dreams or becomes worse it will be my fault, like I could have been there to prevent it. I hate feeling like this because I can see he will never change. All I’ve done over the years is give him the benefit of the doubt time and time again, loving him with every part of me while begging for his love in return. He has never proven himself to be a good man yet I still feel bad if something happens to him. 

I hate feeling this way. I just want the burden of his heart off my shoulders. Although I do still feel attached at times, I am proud of myself for being smart enough to see that there is no way for him to change. It is a derangement in his mind. Maybe not being included as a child, not being heard, or from trying so hard for people who never seemed to care, I don’t know what it was or if it is hereditary maybe but I am smart enough to know that it is not something that is capable of changing without real psychological help. 

I feel the pain a lot more today and I have a concussion, the headaches don’t stop. The pain in my body is pretty bad too but I almost feel like it will be even worse tomorrow because the drugs are still in my system right now. I got lucky this time but if I was stupid enough to keep giving him chances it could be worse next time. This time, there won’t be a next time. 

Today my mom and I talked more about what I took and she said she had also found other prescription pills in my room and she is so surprised I didn’t OD. She said when it comes to the OCD 80mg oxy pills, she usually only takes a quarter of it but I must have took a few pills at least on top of whatever else I took plus the nausea pills of course. My mom told me that two nights ago when I was still high, we we’re hanging out and every time she asked to go out for a cigarette I said I had to go up to the ‘washroom.” She assumed I was taking lines but I don’t even remember going out for a single smoke with her that night or even hanging out with her so who knows what I was doing up there. It wasn’t lines though, I have never bought coke and never sniffed anything, there was no reason for me to do is while out of it I don’t think.  

When I treat my body the opposite of a temple by filling it with chemicals and garbage, and scramble my brain and tumble out of cars, stealing from loved ones, doing anything to escape, and I find myself alive and okay, I really count my blessings. I know it isn’t my time yet. Although there are days I wish I wouldn’t wake up and I like to psyche myself out for the future; I know there is a greater purpose for me here and I want to stick around to find it. I can not put my family through that again. I am getting help. Making the appointment tomorrow. My mom said she would help me get into an NA program to help make the process easier. 

Maybe one day I could help people who need a way out and see no other way but drugs and isolation. I want to help people break out of their negative cycles before it is too late like it has been for a lot of people. If I have the power to stop at least some people going to bed at night wondering why they aren’t good enough, then I will. If I have the power the help at least some people to feel special, to feel loved I will. And if I can make some people feel a little less alone in this world I will. If I had the power to let everyone in this world know that they are deeply loved by someone, I would. Because everyone needs to feel loved and I am so ready to love and to love myself again.